THIS AIN’T A LOVE STORY:
A Recollection of a Decade of Our Journey


I don't know but I believe.
That some things are meant to be.
And that you'll make a better me.
Everyday I Love You....

(Ronan Keating)

Once upon a Time...

One day in 1999...
Have you ever imagined what your future husband or wife looks like? This question suddenly crossed my mind when I was in my third semester as a university student. I did not know how exactly this question came up. As a woman I did sometimes wonder whom I would get married with in the future? Who would be my future husband? Is he someone that I have known before for a long time or someone that I have just met?

One afternoon, while listening to my lecturer in the class, the question suddenly crossed my mind. Unintentionally, I asked that question to a man sitting next to me (The question was in bahasa Indonesia, the translation is in the brackets:-P)

“Eh, pernah gak membayangkan seperti apa jodoh kita nantinya?”
(Have your ever imagined what your future wife looks like?)

All of a sudden, the man gazed at me and gently answered,

“Yah, seperti kamu mungkin.”
(Well, she might be you)

Hah? What? What did he mean? Why did he say that? But I couldn’t say anything. I became speechless. I felt that my cheeks were blushing, but I acted as if I didn’t care. Was he nut or something?


A Few Weeks Later...

Hehe... the “nutty” guy became my boyfriend. Hah? How come? I didn’t know. It just went with the flow. Everyone seemed to be surprised to know it, since he and I seemingly had two different worlds. However, I couldn’t lie to my heart that I did have a little crush on him though I never knew why. A “crush” that gradually grew to something that we may call love...


If Love is Blind...

There is a saying that when we love someone, we shouldn’t love him one hundred percents, since it would be hurt if the person we love doesn’t love us in return. The saying may be right. The relationship didn’t go well. Maybe in every relationship there will always be ups and downs. However, ours seemed very problematic. I didn’t know what’s wrong. It was like that we couldn’t fulfill each other’s expectations. Finally, we --well, it was he actually-- decided to end the relationship. Maybe that was the best for both of us. But, why couldn’t I let the feeling go...? Was it because I loved him too much?
However, few weeks later, when I finally succeeded overcome the sadness, the man came and asked for a second chance. Wishing that this time would be better than the previous one, we restarted our relationship.

Years of Joy and Sorrow

This time we could endure our relationship for quite a long time. We did have much fun through these years. Years passed. We both then graduated. It had been difficult to maintain the relationship after we graduated. Our work life often hindered us to meet regularly. I tried to understand that love is not a matter of being present WITH someone, but it is a matter of being present TO someone, though I really missed him and needed his presence by my side. This matter later on led to conflicts between us. The relationship didn’t seem enjoyable anymore. However, I still wanted to hold on. Somehow, I believed that we could get through this. Somehow, deep inside I believed that we were meant to be together. Unfortunately, he didn’t think the same way as I did. He thought that we would never make it. And...it ended (again...). After he left, I struggled to get my feet back on the ground. It was extremely hard to forget the memories of ours, since we had been together for almost five years at that time.


Time of Solitary

Time will heal the wound. Maybe that’s a right saying for me. After some time, I finally could overcome the sadness and hurt, though sometimes the thought of him still crossed my mind. I just kept saying to myself that the right man for me would come at the right time. Moreover, without him I tried to be more independent and more open to other people. During that time I also made friends with some guys who later on became very close to me. Would one of them be my next boyfriend?


I Turned to You...

I did get close to few guys at that time. But I didn’t feel like for a more serious relationship. I didn’t know why. Just didn’t feel the ’click’ between me and them. And to be honest, deep down inside, I still had the feeling that one day “he” and I would reunite. I had tried once to have a quite “serious” relation with a man. He was very nice, and I almost thought that he might be the one, though he never wanted to make a commitment. However, one day the man from “the past” called me. I was very surprised. Then he asked me to have lunch together. I accepted his invitation just as a friend. I thought it might be fun to meet him and have a chat.

The rendezvous ran smoothly. We had great time together. When we finished our lunch and went out the restaurant, he suddenly held my hand. Gosh, I could hear my heart beating hard. Damn, why has the feeling never been gone? Somehow, I thought that he felt the same way too. But, we didn’t speak anything about it.

Though there seemed to be a possibility for us to reunite, I didn’t want to think about it. I was just afraid that I would be disappointed if I expected too much on this. Unfortunately, my relationship with the other man also didn’t run smoothly. His hesitation to commit himself more seriously in the relationship started to bother me. And I even began to feel annoyed by the things that I didn’t like from him. Things that at first seemed okay, but now I just couldn’t stand them any longer. Finally, I decided to stay away from him. I thought I needed some time for myself. During this period, the man from the past showed up, begged for forgiveness and asked for another chance. The presence of another man by my side somehow made him realize that he still had “that feeling” for me. I really wanted to say ‘yes’ right away. However, I still doubted his seriousness. I just couldn’t stand it if someday the relationship had to end again.

He kept on trying to ensure me that this time he was serious, that he wished I would be the last one. Finally, I decided to take the risk. After all, we will never know if we don’t try right? This time everything ran more smoothly than before though problems sometimes occurred. I think each of us has gone through a kind of transformation process while we were separated. Then, when we met again, we have transformed to be someone better. At least this time, we tried to be more understanding to each other.


From This Moment on...

7 July 2007, at 7.00 a.m., we had our holy matrimonial. From then on, we were husband and wife.

On March 25, 2008, our beloved daughter, Qonita Fadantya Djatnika was born.

It’s been two years now.

Hope our love grow stronger everyday
Hope that we could be better persons each day
Never stop being understanding each other
Never stop caring for one another
May Allah bless our wedding...

HAPPY WEDDING ANNIVERSARY


Sydney, 7 July 2009

Catatan Kecil Jelang Ramadhan 1430 H

Marhaban ya Ramadhan...

Sehari jelang 1 Ramadhan 1430 H. Pertama kali dalam hidup harus menjalani puasa sendiri (ada temen satu rumah sih). Tanpa keluarga tercinta, tanpa suara adzan, suara orang mengaji dari mushola di belakang rumah, suara “band” keliling yang biasa membangunkan orang-orang untuk makan sahur...

Mungkin Ramadhan kali ini akan menjadi Ramadhan yang berbeda buat gw. Ya pasti emang beda karena kali ini harus jauh dari keluarga, berada di negeri yang bukan mayoritas muslim (walaupun komunitas muslimnya juga tidak sedikit). Beda yang gw maksud di sini adalah, baru kali ini, to be honest, gw merasakan kerinduan yang luar biasa untuk beribadah. Lha? Emang selama ini nggak? Well, kalau mau jujur, selama ini sih senang kalo udah masuk bulan Ramadhan. Tapi nggak ada gairah yang luar biasa. Mungkin selama ini Ramadhan cuma jadi semacam tradisi. Sesuatu yang datang setahun sekali, kita jalani, terus berlalu begitu aja. Semua dijalankan, puasa, tarawih, dan sebagainya sebagai suatu hal yang memang “biasa” dilakukan di bulan itu. Diri kita seperti punya “Ramadhan profile setting”. Profile itu kita aktifkan setiap memasuki bulan Ramadhan, tapi kemudian setelah Ramadhan berlalu kita kembali ke profile “general” kita. Kenapa ya sulit sekali menjadikannya sebagai “default profile” kita?

Semoga Ramadhan kali ini memang benar-benar berbeda. Semoga kegairahan yang gw rasakan ini bukan untuk saat ini saja tapi untuk seterusnya. Semoga perjalanan gw di sini bisa jadi a transformation journey...to be a better ME^_^

HAPPY RAMADHAN...